The last few days have been an interesting roller coaster of emotion for me. A couple of days ago my ex got married – the one who I thought for the longest time was the one, a relationship that I screwed up with my insecurities, but would forever hold that special place. We were together around 10 years ago, and I even considered deleting this blog because of it. Last year I saw him for the first time in some 8 years or so. I imagined that reunion would bring me a lot of emotional confusion and anxiety – but guess what? I was fine. Completely resolved about it. It was great seeing him, no doubt, but I didn’t feel a thing.
He just got married to this guy he met a year ago. I’m assuming they started dating shortly after we reconnected (since he was single when I saw him). I’m happy for him, the same way I’m happy for anyone I care about that finds happiness. But these days have been hard, ever since I knew about the wedding – not because of the wedding itself, but because of how I was invited/uninvited.
Mid-July, he must have realized through facebook that I was in Lisbon for the summer and texted me to tell me the good news about the wedding and to ask of me to DJ the reception. I was a bit taken back by that, so I politely refused. I said I’d love to be there as a guest, to witness his hapiness, but that it wouldn’t make sense for me to be working his wedding. Inside my head and heart I was incredibly offended by this request – why on earth would he be asking me to work his wedding (and for free!). Yes it’s a simple thing, and I’m very resolved about what we had, but come’on!!! He insisted a bit more, I kept refusing. And that’s it. No invitation for the wedding, nothing.
In my heart I feel it was sweet of him to think of me for something music related. It’s special because our relationship was scored to a constant flow of mix tapes specially made for him: every month we were together, I’d compose a CD for him with music that meant something to us. No wonder he thought of me to DJ at something like this – I’ve showered his heart with meaningful music for a whole year! I don’t even have a copy of those CDs, but there’s only one song I recall, from the very first mix tape (after a month being together) and whenever I hear it, to this day, I still think of him with a warm heart: India Arie, A Beautiful Surprise.
I’m not upset for my ex’s happiness, I’m upset because I fear being left out. In the end, after these last few days of reflection, I still feel like the insecure boy I was 10 years ago. The last few years have been filled with a series of similar moments. For example, earlier this year two friends got married, I had helped with the engagement (and cried when I witnessed it), even offered my graphic design skills as a wedding gift, and yet I got no wedding invitation, I never understood why. And I LOVE weddings! Anyway, I feel I’m becoming a cynic – my heart growing colder with the realization I can’t expect anything from people I think are my friends. This is an awful thing to feel. If you know me you know I’m an open heart and care greatly for the ones around me. I don’t wanna turn into stone 🙁
I write this post to vent, to blow out some steam, hoping this bitterness doesn’t calcify within me. I’m genuinely happy for my ex. May he enter this new life with happiness and good fortune.
Peace and Love.